Higher Love - Godly Marriage # 2
Let me review an important note about how you hear this series of messages about marriage, This material is not intended to condemn or create guilt. It is a subject goes to the heart of who we are and how we live which creates rich potential for an emotional response. So, if you’re divorced, or single, or a single parent, or struggling in your marriage right now - I hope you will hear the truth without shrinking into a defensive angry mood.
Please receive these messages as God’s blessing and not as a condemnation of the past. None of our marriages is ideal, but that should not keep us from hearing what the Word says and asking God to make them better - so that we can glorify Him.
PRAYER
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Review - Why did God invent marriage?
1. God invented marriage to bring human beings completion!
God intended that marriage should bring about a new creation - a unit called ‘a family!’
2. God invented marriage as a life-long, irrevocable covenant between a man, a woman, and Himself.
3. God invented marriage as a tool of personal and spiritual development.
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Marriage Mythology
Glynn de Moss Wolfe holds an unenviable record - 19 divorces and 26 marriages! I’m not exactly sure about that math, but apparently he wed one or more of his wives more than once! You begin to understand his record when you hear his commend - “Marriage is like stamp collecting. You keep looking to find that rare one!”
Most of us do a lot better than that when setting ourselves up for expectations in our marriage, but we all still have to deal with myths, several of which are quite common.
∙ Few, if any, of us get married thinking we will be miserable. We are certain that marriage will make us very happy. Our spouse can a source of joy, but honestly, that person to whom we are wed, can also make us more miserable than anyone else on the planet.
∙ We place a great weight on the shoulders of the person we marry, expecting that they will somehow make life easier. When we realize that we have married a real person who is usually quite different from the image that dating created, the pain that results can be very hurtful.
Dr. Les Parrott, a well-known marriage and family counselor, says that in addition to the ‘happiness’ idea, many of us deal with one or more of these four marriage myths:
1. We expect exactly the same things from our marriage.
2. Everything good about our relationship will only get better.
3. Everything bad about my life will disappear.
4. My spouse will make me whole! - Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Zondervan, 1995
Here’s the principle of this message -
A fulfilling marriage is not about finding the right person to as your spouse. It is about being the right person.
And that happens as we learn to distinguish between fantasy and reality, to create reasonable expectations about who we are, who our spouse is, and what we can become with God’s help!
First step on that road is to understand the power of VISION,
that part of us that sets our EXPECTATIONS.
The Proverbs reminds us of the power of our vision. It says, "Where there is no vision, the people perish." (Proverbs 29:18, KJV) The Message unpacks the verse a little more for us: "If people can't see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what he reveals, they are most blessed." (Proverbs 29:18, The Message)
What is God’s vision for your marriage? Tough Question!
Can you answer that?
Another way to ask it is: Do your spouse and you share common God-given ideals about life set your expectations and creates harmony in your home?
Our marriages can be seriously wounded if
we let true vision be obscured or even replaced by fantasies that create false expectations.
One of the most persistent yet devastating myths in marriage is the first one on that list I read a moment ago.
- We expect exactly the same things from marriage.
Who says? Think about that realistically for a moment.
-You like to run all the time, he likes to settle down on the couch with a book.
-You think money was invented to spend. She loves to save it.
-You think babies are the most wonderful thing in the world. He thinks they are just machines that generate poop!
-You long for the day when you can downsize life and be part of some ministry. He can only think about buying another toy, a boat, a car, a set of golf clubs.
- You love snow, she loves the beach.
- You’re country, she’s rock ‘n roll!
Beyond those kinds of complications there are much deeper issues that we bring to our marriages. Dr. Parrot calls them our list of ‘unspoken rules.’ These are our ideas about ‘how life works.’ Usually these unspoken rules about our home and marriage are written either in reaction to the dysfunction of the home we grew up in or because of unconscious imitation of the models we observed in our parents.
We tend to assume that the way Dad or Mom does it, is the way it oughta be.
I grew up in a household where nobody ever slept in. We got up with the sun, at the crack of dawn. It was a tenet of righteousness to be up early. Only lazy slugs who would never accomplish anything in life slept past 6:30 in the morning! So, when my wife turned over and said, “Just let me sleep in,” I was terribly afraid that our marriage was doomed by her sloth.
Because these kinds of ‘unspoken rules’ shape so much of our vision for our marriage and life, we must to take time to understand all of them. When we are aware of them, we can discern between the good and the bad, those that are merely preferences and those worth hanging onto, the ones we would actually die for and the ones we can let go of.
Another part of marriage mythology has two sides but basically the same concept:
- My partner will be my savior; or I will save my partner!
Before I met Bev, I dated a girl that drew me into this role. Betty (not her real name) allowed me to be a hero to her and I ate it up. It was quite flattering to be so needed! I bought her things, took her places, all the while believing I was going to change her life. In my immaturity, I had no grasp of the concept of co-dependency, but my parents did.
When they saw what was going on, they interjected some reality into my thinking. My Dad asked me if I wanted to be saving Betty for the rest of my life?
“What does she contribute to you other than making you feel like a big man?” he asked.
Oh, that hurt, made me mad! But, he was oh, so right! I wasn’t in love with Betty at all. I was in love with how she made me feel. Betty’s need for me was flattering to a kid. It would have been disastrous in a marriage! Even in my immaturity, I realized I knew I could not really love Betty as she was, but I was so sure I could save her and change her into the kind of person I thought she needed to be.
One of the enduring myths of marriage is that false expectation that marriage will magically change those personality quirks in your mate. Not so! If anything, they will amplify into true irritants.
The questions we must ask ourselves is -
will I accept this person as he/she is, loving them fully even if they never change?
The truth is that only God can truly transform you or your spouse! As long as you’re trying to save them from themselves, especially if your relationship started out that way, you’re doomed to something less than what God intends your marriage to be. Marriages that work best move towards acceptance of the person as he/she really is, not as we idealize them.
Last week, we read in Genesis about God’s design for our marriage, and we learned that God created male and female as complements, that we complete each other. That truth gets misunderstood and
turned into another persistent myth - “My spouse will compensate for all my pain and make me whole.”
Consider a couple of examples:
∙ The person who is terribly insecure thus demands that her husband make her feel confident and safe. Of course, he should be as affirming as possible, giving his wife true praise for who she is, but if she does not deal with her insecurity with God’s help, his best efforts will never overcome her fears!
∙ More than one man I have talked with in my counseling has shared about struggling with lust prior to marriage and thinking that this issue will be healed by his wife. Tragically, some drag their lust right into their marriage bed, damaging or destroying the gift of intimacy that God gave to marriage. Should his wife be sexually responsive? Of course, for that is what the Word teaches. Can she alone bring him wholeness and healing of sexual sins of his past? No!
Marriage can and should be a healing relationship. Love is the best ointment for a broken heart. But, it requires time, patience, persistence, and the grace of God for healing of our brokeness to occur. This myth about all our hurts disappearing when we get married also causes problems if disappointment is not met with honesty. The disappointed person may conclude that he or she somehow married the ‘wrong’ person!
A silly, childish idea is particularly persistent among Christians that says that there is one ideal person in this world that God made just for you. That’s a nice thought for romantic movies, but it is not grounded in the truth.
God gave us principles for the kind of person we ought to marry - one who is a disciple of Christ as we are, one who is mature and faithful, one who is capable of love - but he left the choice to us!
Obviously, there are people better suited by personality and background for each one of us, but there is NO perfect person out there for you. There is an ordinary sinner who will tax your patience, fail you from time to time, and help you to develop a deep love like that of Jesus Christ.
If you’re married and you find yourself escaping into a fantasy about what marriage would be like if only you had not married the one you’re sitting beside, repent and confess your sin! Ask the Lord to help you to set your heart right, and refocus your choice to love on the person with whom you have made your marriage covenant!
Lastly, I want to talk about two myths that many married people strongly believe that are terribly toxic.
Some say, “There’s a ring on her/his finger. It doesn’t matter how we treat each other!”
Some of most incredibly hurtful things I have heard people say are said within the context of marriage. Being wed should not be a license for rudeness or abuse! Striving for honesty doesn’t mean we get to say everything that is on our mind in the most unloving way. I know married people who treat their coworkers with greater respect and courtesy than they do their own spouse.
This is a sin, dear disciple. Yes, we all have bad days and the safety of our marriage may cause us to say or do things that we would not do elsewhere. But, we must be quick to apologize when we are mean, hurtful, or cruel. We need to accept responsibility for ourselves and acknowledge when we act sinfully or like an idiot!
Remember what the Bible says about love?
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, NLT)
This week I heard a speaker suggest we replace the word, ‘love’ in that passage with our name and see how we stack up. If your life is described truthfully by those words about love, it will transform how you treat others and especially your spouse!
The other myth grows out of that last line - ‘love is always hopeful, endures through every circumstance.’
Some conclude that “A crisis means our marriage is over!”
Infidelity, depression, job loss, illness, spiritual collapse, an extended time when romance disappears under the weight of child rearing or career pressure – none of these necessarily means your marriage is over. They are symptoms of deeper problems that invite you to work together for God’s solutions. Crises will come! How we meet them is the choice that God gave you and me. And the Word reminds us that we can ‘do all things through Christ who strengthens us.’
Finally, we need to know that as we live, expectations will change!
Your marriage in year 5 will not look like it did in year 1. In year 35 it won’t look the same as it did in year 15!
I asked you to tell me how your marriage expectations had changed. Here’s some of your answers.
Nancy said - I had to stop and try to remember what my expectations were almost 37 years ago! I guess back then I expected we would always be happily in love and want the same things. Over the years I've come to expect that we probably won't want the same things, we probably won't always be happy, but thankfully we're still in love anyway. I guess one out of three is pretty good after all.
Liz said - Well, growing up I had the fairy tale idea of what marriage was supposed to be. I guess I expected it to be like Leave it to Beaver, the stay at home Mom cooking and wearing a dress and never looking stressed out or running to soccer games, or girl scout meetings, etc... The Dad works and comes home smiling and still find time to spend with the family. I had to adjust my expectations because reality is, the Mom has to work, comes home exhausted, picking your child up from daycare, on the way buying takeout since she is too tired to cook, Dad comes home tired and cranky that he worked alll day to come home to takeout. Well, you get the point. I am married 18 years, and can honestly say both my husband and I are still in love with each other. It has been a long and winding road, but it always leads back to home. As long as the Lord stays as the focus of our life.
Joe said - I have learned that friendship plus love equals a healthy marriage. My wife is now one of my best friends.
Gail said - I had to learn many things in the past 37 years. .
.that my husband was not made to fulfill ALL my needs (only God can do that),
that divorce is NOT an option,
that the definition(s) of LOVE change as we mature in love, &
that the easiest way to resolve conflict is to go into a room, shut the door & PRAY my heart out for God to help me love the man I married despite his shortcomings. . . (then a few minutes later she added) Ooh, & I should have added to my last comments, . .
That I have my shortcomings, but perhaps I'm not THAT mature yet! LOL I've also learned that fantasizing about "living on love" & actually making it work (i.e., pay the bills, etc.) are 2 very different concepts!
Jake said- That I really am wrong at least 1/2 the time. That talking and communicating are two totally different things you can do with the same person without even knowing it. That joys and sorrows are exponential and not just multiplied by 2. That you can't help with the other person's baggage until you unpack and deal with your own. That love isn't always enough, but as long as love is there, you can deal with the rest. That the love you bring in will always grow - "Wide" if you don't pay attention, and "Deep" when you focus it on the person it's meant for. And that "Until death do us part" isn't a life sentence when you spend it with your best friend, it's God's gift.
Anonymous - Less emotion, more dedication!
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My challenge to us is two-fold today:
First - get real about your dreams and expectations. Discipline yourmind.
Don’t let yourself live for a minute in the fantasies fed by our media or culture.
A repeated command in the Bible is about governing our minds and thoughts.
∙ "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (Philippians 4:8, NIV)
∙ “Take captive every thought” the Word says. Here’s how The Message reads: "We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5, The Message)
Second - align your vision with God’s vision!
The Word says, "If people can't see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what he reveals, they are most blessed." (Proverbs 29:18, The Message)
If you struggle to know what He desires, start with the universal principles of His Holy Word.
Most broadly, Jesus said there are but two guides:
Love God with your whole being, and Love others as you love yourself!
From there, He will guide you to know and do His will!
PRAY
Jerry D. Scott 2010
Source material - Higher Love, Focus on the Family
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Les Parrot, Zondervan